A Rainy Sunday Night

I love rain. I like hearing it pitter patter. It is soothing hearing a thousand raindrops drum on metallic surfaces. Although, I like the sound of rain, the most annoying thing is the drippy kitchen faucet. Same idea right? Water drops landing with a splat on a surface, wrong. Drippy water faucets are never like raindrops. But anyway, back to rain. My favorite is the swoosh it makes when cars drive past. Every time I hear the swoosh I am reminded of winter and snow melting on the road. That reminds me of hot chocolate and blankets, and cold feet that never seem to get warm. As I sit here I am just now noticing my currently cold feet. Maybe that is why the rain reminds me of winter. 

I just realized I don't really have a point. Let's just say I like rain, and I am never bothered by my cold feet (though John is)

So, I guess this is going to turn into an update on my life.

   Today is September 11th. This day, in itself is a day from reminiscing about the past. Did I know 10 years ago that I would be sitting in a small living room, just starting my last semester from my undergrad, married to the most perfect man I know? Of course not. 10 years ago I was sitting in shock and awe after being bombarded with news about detrimental plane crashes that had killed thousands of people. The insecurity of being in middle school, as well as living in a country that was attacked was all that was filling my mind. I was constantly terrified of not having a future. The what ifs were immense and juvenile, being only a seventh grader.

The future has taken turns I wished for, but didn't think possible. This next weekend John and I will be celebrating a whole 9 months of being husband and wife. We have lived in this cozy little blue and green attic apartment for three and a half months. We are both almost finished with our bachelors degrees and will walk in April. Life is amazing, truly, truly amazing. 

This summer has been full of wonderful things. I got an amazing job as a Taylor at Mr. Mac and worked a little over 30 hours a week and had every evening to spend with John!. My job was a little more restrictive that a BYU job so our great plans of traveling the United States all summer long did not happen. We did, however, make it down to San Francisco area the last weekend before school. While much of the trip was fun, we hit an unfortunate bump which was a seized air compressor. If any of you don't know what that means I'll summarize. It is a big, huge, enormous problem. John, in his brilliance and wonderfulness and willingness to fix any problem jumped to the case and after another punch in the gut equaling over $200 we were back on the road, sort of. Yesterday, John finished the project by replacing the water pump, which decided to leak on the same trip. He is tired of fixing the Nissan...it is too be announced on whether we will sell it or not. 

One wonderful thing that happened this summer was the renting of this cute, dilapidated attic apartment. It is tiny, old, and dingy. It's size grows on us, we are lucky enough to be shorter that 6'4" so our heads only come in contact with the sloping east ceiling. This happens quite often for me as I try to walk around in the nook of a kitchen. The apartment is old, the floor creaks and the waterlines fill with sediment and a few lights only turn on when they want to. Also the stairs up to our front door rock and wobble as we walk up it. When people come to our home for the first time they worry about the stairs falling, we now clump and jump on the stairs without noticing. The dinginess of this old attic was fixed by cleaning the carpet, washing the walls, and painting the bedroom a fresh mint green. With all it's imperfections, I love this little apartment. When the time comes, I think I will be quite sad to leave it. 

With all the imperfections of my life, it is truly amazing. I love it. 

Marriage is Work?

When John and I were engaged, we were told that marriage is hard work, but it is worth it. I was a little timid, but remembering that we have to work for everything I was ready to buckle down and battle it out. We got married and I had the troops in reserve waiting for the hard labor to start...it didn't start a week after we were married....
  
Well, it might have, because three days after we were married we were unpacking and unwrapping gifts. We got these pretty glasses and John was about to wash the factory off them. He stuck three fingers in (because that is all that could fit in a glass) and spun the glass around. brrrip. He feels some slicing and pulls his hand out. The webbing between his ring finger and pinkie was sliced really deep. John is a really strong guy, but seeing that slice he started rocking. I grabbed a towel, pressed it into his hand, got my purse and the keys and informed him we were going to the emergency room, pronto. Thankfully the emergency room wasn't too crowded and he got five stitches in a little over an hour. John's shocked state was pretty jovial, but when the pain started setting in... maybe that was work to sit and watch him suffer so much.

With the cut healing, we flew to Columbus, Ohio, to pack up John's stuff and drive his car back to Utah. Sitting in a car was not work. It might have been work for him because I, for some reason, couldn't stay awake for two consecutive hours most of the time. When I was able, I was driving and John was sleeping. I guess the hard part of that trip was the four days in a car makes you have intense cabin fever, and blizzard conditions doesn't help headaches and fried nerves. We were able to stop in Nauvoo and do a session. That is one beautiful temple. It was really touching to be in a temple that was almost the same temple that some of my ancestors were endowed and sealed in. ...so back to the cabin fever. Slow Utah drivers, or the people who drive in Utah, are particularly annoying when you have just spent the last twelve hours driving through blizzarding Wyoming. ...maybe that was work...

Home safe and sound, all unpacked, and finally getting used to sharing a bed, work didn't start our second or third week either... Classes started, John has class when I don't, I have class when John works, and when I work John doesn't have class. So, we should get a lot of homework done. My job used to be from 8-10pm. That worked when John was in Ohio, or when I wasn't really needing a social life before John and I started dating. (Saying "I have to work then" cut out a lot of unwanted dates. hehe.) So maybe me having to work so late was work in our marriage... but that didn't last long because my boss gave me a job with slightly better hours, 4-8, and let me keep the wage. Now that John and I get from 8 to bedtime together we have more time together and enough time apart to do well in classes.

Back up, when we got home from the Ohio trip John's tonsil swelled to almost cut off his breathing. We went to doctors so they would prescribe something to alleviate the symptoms (John wanted tonsillectomy). Once again it might have been work to keep happy when he was suffering so much. When the swelling went down and he could breath again it didn't seem like work at all. At least not any work I needed back-up for. 

Then we went home to Idaho...John is allergic to something there and got a very irritating, most uncomfortable rash. He was just about to over it when BAM! A huge, terrible, mean stomach flu hit. He was in pain for a week, missing classes and his appetite. Thank goodness he would still muscle down liquid to keep hydrated for me, but nothing would stay in him for more than twenty minutes. I guess you could say that was the work everyone was talking about. He was sick with it for two weeks. It was incredibly hard to see him suffering so much, especially after such a line of other ailments. The only way he could eat saltines and gatorade was if he took an anti-nausea pill and a coating elixir to abate pain. Two weeks. I think it took a lot of work for him to try to be happy for me and patient with me. When you're uncomfortable for so long it is hard to be happy or patient. But John was amazing and pulled through. Yes, it was work, but the work wasn't on our marriage, it was on our health and how it effected our happiness. 

I still don't understand why marriage takes work. What did all of those people mean? There is nobody I would rather spend my time with than with John. I could spend every minute of every day with him, but I can't and so I especially love Saturdays and Sundays because we get to be together all day long. I also don't understand why marriage is hard. Is it hard because it is hard to see someone you love struggling so much with forces you or they can't change? Is that what makes it hard. Granted that is hard, but our marriage isn't hard.

John is perfect for me. Golly, he is perfect to me. He washes the dishes after almost every meal. He makes lunches for us every day. He even makes the bed! (that is pretty cool because he didn't believe beds should be made everyday) Now, just so you know, John does have his faults...a few... But he has so many good things about him that I forget he has them. So marriage is work, hard work? Nope! Not for me...(you'll have to ask John what he thinks) I don't think it is work because knowing that I love John and that John loves me more than anything makes any trial seem insignificant, a minor speed bump in the road we are traveling. What a RIDE!

Stars

Have you looked at the stars recently? Well you should. Even if you have, you should do it again. You can never look at the stars too many times. There is something calming and exciting about looking at the stars. They are there, they are always there. Even when you can't see them because of light pollution, or the moon is too bright, or there are clouds, the stars are always there. They blink and twinkle like billions of eyes looking back at you. When I look at the stars I seem to get lost in the sky. I feel the ground under me, but it is in the back of my mind. I feel like I have taken flight, swallowed in the nothingness around each speck of fire. I can raise my hand and cover the stars. Not just stars but planets, galaxies and universes. All withing the dimensions of my hand.

I have kind of small hands. They work for me. They are kind of strong, but mostly weak. My fingers are long and skinny, like of like me. My finger nails are always short with little ridges on them. My hands have scars on them: from cuts, smashes, picked scabs, burns and scrapes from falling, bracing myself, running into things, and from nowhere I remember. Under the skin are muscles, tendons, blood vessels, bones.  Each made of living cells, using air, minerals, nutrients, and water. On the microscopic level the actions of the chemicals that make up each of these things look like bizarre workers living in colonies, each helping each other... But hands. Open and close your hand, slowly. Right now my hands are cold, so they don't open very smoothly. Each finger perfectly formed for it's own purpose. Did you know that God gave you these hands? Think of all of the things hands can do. It would take almost forever listing everything. But one of the things that amaze me is holding up my hand on a starry night and then removing it and seeing how many stars I can cover. There are worlds there, galaxies even...maybe even universes....shall I go so far to say millions and billions of people out there, and maybe another person is holding up their hand and covering our world.

We are so small, smaller than a hydrogen molecule in comparison with everything else out there. Does that make you feel insignificant? I sure hope it doesn't. It doesn't make me feel insignificant. Maybe someone could argue it is my egocentrism that actually makes me feel even more significant. But I believe it is something more. I think it is my relationship with my Father in Heaven. I am His daughter. Wow, doesn't that make chills go down your spine. I am not His only child, but You are His child!!! He cares how I feel, what I think, and the things that concern and interest me. ME! I am one in 10 raised to the infinity and He cares about me! And He cares about you at least as much. What a powerful feeling, and that is what I feel every time I look at the stars.

December 2, 2010

14 days and 20 hours!!! 
Ok, ok, I know I haven't written in AGES! I've been distracted. Now I am bored out of my mind in my History of Creativity class at BYU so I thought I would use my free time to my advantage and update my online life. :) I was going to publish my engagement story forever ago, but I didn't finish it and then life happened, so honestly this is the first time since September that I have been on Blogspot.

Anyway. I am really excited to get married. One of my coworkers asked if I was nervous at all, and I said no. She then asked if I had everything done: no. She asked if I have tried on my dress yet (my wonderful mother is making it): no. She then exclaimed how could I not be nervous!! But I am not! I am excited, thrilled, ecstatic! I have known that I want to marry John for so long that I am ready to be married.  I haven't second guessed myself ever since I first said "YES!" and I don't think I ever will. He is such a wonderful man that supports me, helps me, makes me laugh, I could go on and on, but I'll save you some of the sap. ;) He says I am wonderful. I, being a girl, sometimes believe him, and sometimes enjoy how it sounds to have someone so much in love with me that he doesn't point out my faults.

It is amazing: this whole love thing. It is so blinding, but so eye opening at the same time. It has such a power on how I act, how I think, how I dream. The movies have it all wrong, and so right. I can't explain it, which is a little frustrating. I what to tell you exactly how it feels, but I can't seem to put words to it. All I have coming to mind are cliche phrases. When I am with John, days pass like hours and hours, when I am not with him, feel like days. Everything looks better, I notice more things when I am with him. I feel like all of my senses are heightened so that I can capture every little detail when we are together. Food has better flavor, sounds have more musicality, sights are more interesting. I won't even go into the heightened sense of touch and feeling, but  yeah, it is pretty amazing. Love is so so SO powerful, beautiful, complex, simple, deep, shallow, felt by everything through everything.

Just to say. Right up until John asked me to marry him, I didn't know what I was going to say. Most of the time I was pretty solid on yes, but sometimes I thought no.  I have my reasons, but I had my eyes open the entire time. I did enjoy being loved, or feeling like I was loved. But I had felt that before and it is easily pretended, faked. Not this time though. I wanted to make sure I loved John because he was John. I wanted to be sure of every fault he had, and I wanted him to know every fault of mine. Now, I am sure I don't know them all, his or mine for that matter. But I knew enough of his faults, I know what they are now, but I love them. They make him him and not someone else. He is so imperfectly perfect. Because I know he has flaws, I don't have to worry so much about my own. I feel like now I can focus on fixing my flaws with his help without worrying I will scare him off. We can grow better together helping each other.

It sounds so much fun to spend the rest of forever with John! We have so much fun together in days and weeks and months it just makes me thrilled to know we will have years and years of it. I can't hardly wait to start making memories with John as a family instead of just as boyfriend and girlfriend, or fiancé and fiancée.

December 17th here we come!

August 30, 2010

I had every intention to write for a full hour, but I got severely distracted by changing the template and color of my blog. Confession, I love black. I love wearing it. I love seeing it. There is a depth, a foreboding, a deep secret in black. For when black is used I cannot help but wonder what is being concealed by the darkness. Black is also easy to make very formal and beautiful. Unlike denim or a dusty anything. Black can be worn casually, and formally. Flaws are hidden and the wearer achieves a slimmer silhouette. I know it is not really necessary for me to need to look slimmer, but as much as you wish to argue the fact still remains that even skinny girls have bumps and lump, granted they are smaller, but still present. And black hides them! Yay for black.

So after that tangent... I also have an extreme love for green, lime green and kelly green, and just very fresh and lively green. Dark greens hold their places too. I get really excited when I find the perfect shade of green. So now that you know a little of my obsession with colors, if you noticed that I changed the template of my blog then you will notice it was a drastic change, and why it was so dark to begin with. Well now this lovely orange color caught my eye, and I decided I was done with the drastically dark for a little bit. Not saying I will stop wearing black as much (just as an aside no I am not gothic, depressed or a drama stage hand, I never wear solid black, from shirt to pants to jewelry. I just like dressing it up and making it stand out.) So I will still where my black shirts, and my dark wash jeans, but my blog will now reflect a bit of exuberant vivacious happiness that I feel, despite how much I still am drawn to lime green on a black background.

Wow, that wasn't really where I wanted to go tonight. Oh well, it was gone to. What I wanted to tell all of you about is the fact that a new semester has started at BYU! Now another secret love of mine is school. I absolutely adore going to class and learning all that there is to learn. I don't like tests so much, in fact I am all for taking tests out. But it is a fact of mine that I am overjoyed to start classes and sad when they are over. This semester I am taking Religion 234, commonly known as marriage prep; Anthropology 101, yes it is full of freshman; Ecology, or Biology 350, I honestly think I was born for this class. Studying how organisms interact with each other and with their environment is what excites me the absolutely very most about studying Biology. Wait a sec, I want hot chocolate, I'm off to get some and will be back momentarily.

And I'm back. Just to clarify, I don't want hot chocolate because it is cold. No I drink hot chocolate all year long. It is just that yummy. So classes, tomorrow I have PWS something or other which translates into Genetics. Frankly that class scares me, and then I have English 312, persuasive writing, which scares me too. All in all I have a semester full of fabulous classes, some will be easy, some will be hard, but I think I will truly love them all. Well I am going to finish my hot chocolate, then it's off to bed! Tomorrow is going to be another fantastic day.

August 13, 2010

My "loss for words" seems to have taken a couple months to find them. Actually truth, I have been with-holding information. Yes, I admitted it. So sue me.

Well now that I am opening the box of "truths" let me see what I can tell you without letting go of some super exciting and super secret secrets. Don't worry, it will all come out in time and you will enjoy them that much more when you finally find out. Isn't waiting at the edge of your seat fun? Yeah I don't think so either.

So to start these truths. I am actually writing because I have nothing else to do. I moved out of my summer apartment this morning. Oh that was a process! Moral of the story is, don't ever rent an apartment from someone who lets snobbish and stuck-up people manage them. Aka, big management companies. I started packing yesterday after my final. Well my final didn't go as well as I would have wanted it to. Amines frustrate me, what is it about Nitrogen that confuses me? I don't know. But on an up note, I don't have to take anymore Organic Chemistry. Wait that is an up note?? I guess you might think so. I actually enjoyed the classes. Anyway, back to moving. I started at 1 pm and I finished at 12 am. I was packed and moved and ready to start cleaning at 8 am. Dani came at 8 this morning and we started the "cleaning party." I don't know why people call it a party, I didn't like it one bit. We got done and called the manager why she hadn't come yet. She said it was because it was scheduled for Monday. I swear she said Friday. Anyway she came by and checked the apartment at 2. Did you know that we were supposed to have MATCHING vanity lights? Well I didn't, and according to the manager, that is the perfect reason to take money out of the deposit. BOO! I was pretty put out about it for a while. Then I went shopping to raise my spirits. There is just something about slipping into brand new clothes that are a size smaller than you usually put on. (sigh) I didn't get anything. I'm trying to save money. I hate trying to save money. It just makes it that much harder to enjoy shopping. Now to those of you who know me, you know that I am not much of a shopper anyway. I don't go very often, and I can try on tens of clothes without finding a single thing I like. When I am not worried about spending money, I am just frustrated that so many clothes don't fit. When I am concerned about spending money, I usually find something I like but then have to talk myself out of it. This shopping trip I found a dress I really really liked. Guess what. Too expensive. I figured if I still want it in a couple weeks and it is still there, then I will go back and get it. Chances are I will forget about it by then. Ta-daa! Money saved!

Well I did that, now... I am on campus waiting for 6:00 to get closer so I can go to work and then go home for a week or so. I'm kinda excited. I like spending longer times at home. But waiting is why I am now writing. It is kind of pathetic that I have to be homeless before I will write on my blog. Sorry for leaving you guys hanging there. I know how much you really wanted to see what I would write next. Haha! I like to imagine ok, give me a break.

June 15, 2010

Strangely enough i feel at a loss for words. It has been a while since I have posted, but I seem to be unable to say anything. I have been staring at the computer screen for ten minutes and all I have come up with is how I don't have anything to say. Maybe it is because I have been distracted by watching the Phantom of the Opera while I decided to write.

Do movies ever portray reality or are they all fiction? Is everything fantasized ...everything right down to the emotions they imitate and evoke?

I don't think I want to write right now. I'll try again tomorrow.